Another Christmas
by xMatildax
Summary: It's just another Christmas, without you. A kind of song-fic about Felix and Ryan's mistakes that was brought by something wonderful. Sequel is WIP


**Please read this: I'm not going to kill Marzia off or make her a bitch in this story, and probably not in any other I make and neither am I going to refuse her existence. In this universe she's just as great as she is in real life but here her and Felix are more fitted as close friends. And that might be taken up in the sequel.**

** I hope you enjoy, and please, please review. I want to know what I can do better. ****And yes, I know my grammar isn't the best sorry about that. Neither is my vocabulary so there's no need for that though. Thanks! **

Another Christmas

He felt lonely where he sat in front of the fireplace. He knew he shouldn't, it was the best day of the year, why are you so sad, Felix? He was supposed to be happy, joyful, exited and he wished the fire place in front of him could at least bring him some warmth but instead he just felt lonesome, gloomy and cold. His eyes were stuck on the fire and calm guitar music in the back ground was supposed to make him happy and in the mood to celebrate a nice evening. But there was something missing.

_They say that I'm a dreamer but what else am I to do when dreaming is the only way I can be with you?_

They had spent a lot of time on the tree since it was Jake's first time he could actually dress the tree himself, without the help of an adult holding and directing him. It was great, it really was. The house was warm as usual but not too much and they had even spotted some snow falling from the sky earlier the day. It didn't have time to land on the ground, but it was enough to make all family members grateful. Snow was nice, he hadn't actually really touched it but it looked really pretty, soft and nice. People told him it wasn't pleasant at all when it got down under your jacket or when the snow got dirty when spring was starting to arrive but he didn't believe them. He yet had to see for himself.

The Christmas tree in front of him, standing proudly in the living room with presents hiding underneath the green, protecting branches. His mother had turned on the well-known tunes of Jingle Bells in the kitchen while she and Ryan's aunt prepared dinner. He hummed to the melody but it soon died out.

What was wrong? Something felt wrong and foreign, Ryan decided and furrowed his eyebrows, staring into the shining star on top of the tree. There was something missing. And it wasn't another ornament, or present or tacky Christmas shirt. There was someone missing.

_And when I wish upon a star make it come true if only for a second or two._

He stopped in his track where he was stuffing cloves in the oranges he and Marzia has bought the previous day at the busy supermarket. It wasn't exactly a universal tradition and it took some time to find the flower buds with the help of two cashiers. It hurt his thumb when he pressed in a last one and he looked down surprised to see he was bleeding. He hadn't paid attention to his task at all. He stood there, looking at his finger which was getting redder but there was something still bugging him in the back of his mind. The room smelled of cinnamon and baccalà which his girlfriend had insisted they would eat even though Felix wasn't that fond of fish. Cultures crashing had been a fun but painful collision in their relationship. But there was something in the air that smelled icy, nothing. There was a smell missing.

_Another Christmas, another empty house_

_Another reason there is no Santa Claus_

They had gone down to town to celebrate with the rest of the town and it had been nice. A bit too loud and un-Christmas-y for Ryan but it was fine. It was his town's way of celebrating Christmas after all. They had brought the dog and Ryan was glad he had an excuse not to enter the big masses of people singing together or watching Santa and his small slaves dance a musical number. They dogs weren't exactly the best to stuff in a crown of people stepping on every paw visible. Jack was tired too, he had started to whine about a half hour ago and everyone waited for him to break it. They tried muting him with candy and fun games, "Ryan, do you want to ride the horse?" but nothing worked. Ryan felt bad for him. Just wait until you realize Santa isn't real. When you realize it's all lies. Lies, Ryan thought and let his eyes wander of the crowd of people, a deep breath escaping his lips.

_May all your Christmases be white though mine are blue, it's just another Christmas without you. _

He did glance at it, several times. It was lying there on the table waiting for him to give it attention, to press his fingertips to the screen three, four times and just make the damn call. But it would be weird, right? It would be weird, Felix, stop thinking about it.

She was beautiful, she was pretty and he was extremely lucky. She laughed at herself while she was struggling with the band aid, her bangs falling and almost covering her face. She was lovely and he should be happy too, he should be laughing and smiling at the situation where they sat chair opposite to chair and nurse Marzia fixing up the fatal wounds of orange solider Felix.

He smiled, he did. It just wasn't as excited as he wished he was, it was calm, tired and a bit dreamy. But no all good dreams. He knew he had fucked up but he was not going to fuck up today too. Things could take some time, it was okay. At least not now. When things were so nice. Were supposed to be nice. And fake smiles were working great as long as you avoided eye contact with the one you had let down.

_So let them sing their carols and dance around the trees. And let them all be marry but they won't marry me. And when I wish upon a star make it come true if only for a second or two. _

He had been lucky and he had been damned. It was wonderful and he felt so whole and peaceful and he didn't have the strength to stop smiling. He didn't want too, but he knew he should. The signs were there all the time, the warning bell ringing in his ears. No, screaming for him to stop. Don't fuck it up now, Ryan. You're better than this. What comes first, temporary happiness or regrets later? Think about the aftermath, it's not going to be all happy laughs.

But the desperate feeling, the desperate need to be wanted. To be wanted and to be loved. He wanted to be loved too, Ryan thought as the first tear dropped. They were sitting in the bench in the holy building closest to their home and it wouldn't raise suspicion if a man was crying there. A man that could never sin, right?

_Another Christmas, another empty house. Another reason there is no Santa Claus_

He should have expected it, he couldn't hold it. He wasn't a person of lies and was never able to trick his mother as a child. She could see it in his eyes immediately and though it bothered him many, many times he felt good because it meant he never really lied. Lately lies have become the daily and it didn't bother him much. He felt so confused, he just pushed back all thoughts reminding him he needed to think through this, demanding them all away, neglecting the importance. Felix hadn't noticed the black smoke starting around him though, it grew from his feet, from where he walked and in his steps and he didn't see it. It grew with every lie until one day his heart stung and he suddenly looked down to stare at the smoke just under his chest. It had climbed so far with every lie and all Felix could do was lie a little more. He couldn't breathe, he was feeling sick and he didn't want to eat but he had to cover all that up by more lies, lies that he was fine.

He couldn't see anything. It was all black and he was panicking, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't collapse, he had to lie again to make everyone sure he was good, nothing was wrong, just laugh it away, Felix!

So the tears surprised him, his eyes shut open and his face displayed surprise and so did the face oppose to him. They were sitting eating dinner and suddenly it just started, it was enough to start an overflow.

"Felix, what's wrong?" she asked and the concern was big in her brown eyes. And I felt so bad. Here she was, being so caring, so worried for my sake and I cried because I had failed her. I couldn't'' love her as much as I wished, I didn't love her equally and I cried because I knew I wouldn't be able to lie myself out of this. She stood up from the table when I didn't answer and just continued to cry in fits. She put her small, warm hands on my cheeks and forehead.

"Felix, tell me what's wrong," she said and her voice reminded me of my mother when she demanded for me to do something, demanded me to tell her something but her voice was also filled worry. I'm pretty sure I replied something between my sobs, probably "I'm sorry" or the alike because she was now hugging me as she sat down beside me on the couch we bought together. She was stubborn we were to choose the white wooden couch with the light blue and white striped fabric on the seat. I often let her decide because even if it might look weird at first it was now so homey in this apartment. And in the last month it had become so alien to me. And that saddened me so much.

"It's okay," she whispered in my hair and all I could do was hug her back even though I didn't feel worthy of it. I had let her down.

"I failed you, Marzia. I did something terrible and I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry," I cried like a 5 year old in her embrace. I felt so small, so tiny in that moment.

"Its okay, Felix. I know and it's okay," she said and my eyes snapped open, staring into her knitted, pink shirt.

"You've never been a good liar, sweet heart."

_May all your Christmases be white though mine stay blue._

_It's just another Christmas without you._

"Felix, I can't do this," I whispered to the dark sky. My tears had dried from earlier today but new tears were already starting to form in my eyes. Damn it. I looked up at Charles's Wain and sighed.

I noticed a woman in the corner of my eyes, walking her dog underneath the balcony. She had stopped and was now looking at me. Even the fucking dog was. My face grew red and I quickly turned to the door behind me. I felt so lame I just decided to go back in.

The house was loud inside, the television was on high volume and laughter came from well-lit the living room. And here I was out, crying on the balcony. You're so fucking pathetic, Ryan.

He was happy, he had everything. And here in my selfishness I had fucked up, not only for me but for him too. I had ruined things for the person I should care about, not the opposite. It wasn't his fault, I had been the one to invite the feelings happily. Now that I think about it he probably didn't even want it, want me. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, not to turn me down. I had destroyed the friendship we had built up in so many years. Maybe he didn't even kiss me first, maybe it was me but my imagination got the best of me. Maybe he didn't smile at me with such love as I thought he did, maybe it was a smile of concern, maybe he felt really bad for me and my delusional love and thoughts, what an idiot I must have seemed like.

But was I worth all this pain, all this emptiness of aching in my chest?

Because all I wanted was to be loved back by someone I… Is that such a crime?

I was miserable and I deserved it, I had created so many problems for me and him in my delusional reality. I deserved this. I felt so bad, I felt… my phone vibrate in my pocket. I snuffled and brought the device up and my eyes widened. The caller said unknown but Ryan knew the number by heart by now.

_It's just another Christmas without you_

Thanks for reading, don't forget to review!

This is actually a song fic. The song is by a very talented artist named Amanda Jenssen and the song is called "Another Christmas", big surprise, right? Just check it out on Youtube/Spotify/iTunes or whatever source you use.


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